Lost In The Words

kikiro @ 2007-04-08T21:26:00

2007-04-08T17:30:35Z

I miss this journal. for some nerdy reason, or something.

anyhow - I was just going through my old emails/old entries - something I do every now and then; and it's really striking how much things change in a considerably short while.

people come and go. like NJ used to preach (before she started buying guns); life's nothing but a bus stop. er.

I'm dropping out of college. 4 years, still struggling. still unhappy. still undecided. I guess it wasn't for me.

kikiro @ 2007-02-25T19:02:00

2007-02-25T15:11:41Z

I miss so many things.

drive. ambition. passion.

I thought I had.

It's all good. Still sound in crazy weather.

Have you ever fallen in love
with the rainbow,
that survived the black hurricane?

I've lived inside the lightning;
waiting for you.

Years. And, I'm beat down.
Butterflies; withered on my back -
and burned away.

I'll wait for you, still.
Maybe inside the inverted cocoon,
deserted within a crowd.
Of flames.

I've fallen in love,
with a god;
who was in love with a Rainbow.

But, maybe he died;
in the long farewell.
Not even in my faint dreams;
I never seem him walking,
with this holy cane;
you spoke of.

Come back; I said.
There's a rainbow here; waiting on your breaths.

kikiro @ 2006-11-22T04:20:00

2006-11-22T00:20:26Z

so. much. work.

so. little. reward.

so. very. frustrating.

I'll live. ofcourse. hmm.

and I miss you. and you know, it's really hard to miss. this void, and smile. eternal bliss?

especially when I just heard secret smile. it just makes me want to laugh, actually, I never told you how silly you sounded when you sang that.

but, I think things I say make you irate now. =)

WINTER! -happyveryveryhappy-

kikiro @ 2006-09-15T08:38:00

2006-09-15T04:40:15Z

If you still read this journal. And, if you have the time;

read this:

http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/39060102/

I appreciate commentary.

Half Lives and Sinful Roads

2006-09-09T11:42:19Z

Back at University.

What do I do?

I register for 18 credit hours, which is what I wanted. Have a little rooming mishap.

I meet up with my ex boyfriend. In a hotel room. And I hate nothing more than to give excuses for my actions, 'cause I chose to do that - at least nothing's happened. At least I stopped him.

But I couldn't stop him from hurting me. Oh well, live and learn, I guess. Actually, I was the bigger idiot to still be hung up on those stupid, frgaile feelings. But, I got my closure.

Last night, while we were on the bus, heading back to the dormitories - we almost got into a massive accident. Hadn't it been for surreal miraculous timing, and the calm nerves of the driver, we would've probably been fried by now.

One second away from death.

It was really, really scary.

=(

I'm going to miss Nora so much. She is my roomie slash good friend, and she is being expelled from University.

This has been one hell of a weekend. In a very bad way.

Affirmative Action

2006-07-21T01:27:57Z

I need to do something about these living arrangments. Not the physical ones. The other ones.

Okay?

Okay.

This is so different. Oh why. Oh my.

Then - they say it's all good. Sweet. No way.

Well, the sleep is over. And the night is still young.

You will taste it someday.

:)

kikiro @ 2006-07-13T21:40:00

2006-07-13T21:47:24Z

When someone says "you deserve better", they mentally and egotistically strip you of any right to rebuttal.

And your little subdued conversation-induced quizzes sucked. =)

Feelings are tricky. And I'm just spinning senseless in a shallow pool, trying to drown – eventhough I know I won't. You know those times when you know you are getting nowhere, but keep running? Yeah, I never understood the point. I like to think I'm a logical person, to some extent – but the same logic that is supposed to comfort me, isn't.

It's just that this process of "detoxifying my memories"*, is taking a longer and a more unsettling turn.

And to top it all off, I'm at the crossroads. I'm getting physically sick with this recurring pattern of not knowing what I want to do with my life. And it's just so fucking ironic, because when I was a couple of years younger; I actually knew what I wanted. An illusion with perspective!

But – reality check – fuck it all. Humanity should just fucking demise. We make no sense, and we are living in the modern jungle. Everyone's doing a damn good job making it even worse.

*yes, I realize how lame me fake-naming obvious things is.

kikiro @ 2006-06-26T04:41:00

2006-06-26T00:44:48Z

I'm trying to fight this internal clash, something I'm getting used to, between the logical and the emotional. The mathematical and chemical. The cool and the fury. It's always the same, but in different shades of sad.

At least, I now know that I'm not bound to make the same mistake twice. Still there is that something about the summer that seems to repeat itself. It is actually amusing.

It's also amusing when the closest people to you – you know, the ones who give you advice and warn you about certain behavior – when those people, end up doing exactly what they condemned – to you.

Oh well, as long as I get to dance. –biggestgrin-

34 pairs of pointy shoes.
A crowd so loud.
1 faint teardrop.
A smile so proud.

The Happy

2006-05-10T14:11:20Z

I drown myself.

Actually, I've already drowned myself in a bubble of beautiful hope.

I still visit. I love it there. It's so quiet. Serene. Undisturbed.

There are footsteps to follow, for those who are brand new. Turn right. Turn left. Drop your senses in a bright halo of drugs. It's all there.

Or, you can just sleep.

I went to sleep last night. Or was it this morning? I can't tell anymore. We make such a big deal out of time. But does it make such a big deal out of us?

I like to think I'm the walking/talking dead. 'Cause what is death but a disappointment? Rather the father of all disappointments. You fail yourself.
You die. I've failed myself. Time after time. I'm as good as dead.

All the tunes. The music. The fun. The good times. The smoke. The talks.
The happy.

The happy doesn't live here anymore.

The happy was just a girl.

The happy was just a damn good liar.

Putting the damage on.

2006-04-19T19:21:44Z

Nothing is forever.

It was to good to be true.

He was too good to be true.

I'm still in love.

He's got me...bad.

And, he left.

They all leave.

Everything dies.

But now I've got to worry
Cause boy you still look pretty
When you're putting the damage on

Why? He asked.

Why? why? why?

It hurts. It realy does hurt. But I'm numb. Maybe this is what I needed to feel pain again.

kikiro @ 2006-02-20T13:14:00

2006-02-20T09:28:08Z

Why do I feel disgusted all of a sudden? I'm familiar with the emotion, but this time around I have no idea where it is coming from. Or I'm pretending to not know. Say I hang out with a certain group of people for a while, I "like" them for that good while, I get along, I have "fun". Then, BOOM! I can't stand being around them anymore. Maybe I'm growing out of a phase, and finding that specific company unsatisfying for me? What is going wrong? I know what I want, but I have no idea where I'm going. One day I wake up, and I decide everyone around me is a phony. Or maybe I'm feeling rejected? So that's how my proud self explains everything so I do not have to deal with "rejection" and "unwant". Maybe I do know the reasons, but I'm too afraid to go that deep into my thoughts. I know, but I can't. I'm not helpless, I'm scared.

The No Answer

2006-01-16T23:16:48Z

I tied up my hair, a deep breath later, I called them. One after the other. Three trials. 7 Times. I forgot to count.

No answer. I knew all about it. The No Answer.

Another journal entry. Another dissappointment. Or a failed attempt at being, y'know, sad.

The double life is cool, sometimes. When I'm in that kind of mood. It is a thin line between delusions and dreams. I think I've passed it by a long shot. Into delusions, ofcourse.

Why did I let myself fall so bad? So fast? It isn't like me. I mean you're a wonderful person. Might as well become the greatest person I've ever met. Known. Attached myself to.

But, I think - and I see, and I breath, and I talk, and I feel, and I realize...

This might all go to waste, if I have to retire to my alternative life - so why should I engage you in such a mess? I am a mess, not by my doings, but my life is a whole big clash of values and thoughts, a miscommunication beyond misunderstanding. Control and power, not in my book. I wish. But, I'm afraid I'd fail. And I don't want to fail you.

Maybe it's just the 20's blues.

I'm alive.

2005-12-22T23:34:13Z

cool headlines:

Lesbianism makes its way to varsity dorms

SHARJAH — "A recent debate on a UAE radio station criticising the emergence of female homosexuality has brought to light that the practice is rampant in ‘female-only' educational institutions, particularly among those residing in university dormitories.

A student of the University of Sharjah (UoS), who complained on the Ajman-based radio channel (Al Rabiah) about the practice in the University and other women’s colleges in the country, urged the society to deal with the issue, rather than hushing it up and aggravating the problem further.

Although university officials denied any cases of sexual intimacy between women students having surfaced on campus, they admitted, "such problems did exist in all societies”.

“The UAE is an open society with technology having invaded our homes through hundreds of television channels beaming from across the globe, mobile phones, through the Internet, etc. It is bound to have its impact on our children,” Dr Amina Al Marzouki, Student Affairs Dean at the UoS, told your Khaleej Times.

"I don't deny the existence of such abnormal behaviour among young women today, but this is scarce and cannot be termed as a social stigma or an emerging phenomenon in the UAE.”

She termed the talk about a woman student having been raped by three other women in the dorm as mere rumours. "

http://www.khaleejtimes.com/DisplayArticle.asp?xfile=data/theuae/2005/December/theuae_December667.xml§ion=theuae

I'm ECSTATIC this got to the news - and no I'm ANYTHING but a "homophobic". The fact that the hypocrisy of the foreskaen "educational institue" is being exposed in some way, is just so enticing. It makes me wee with joy.

She, the woman-devil, speaks of ABNORMAL behavior, yet has the nerves to INSPECT our relatively decent clothing on our way to the beloved shopping trip out of "Sharjah's ABNORMAL Women Prison" AKA the dorms of UoS.

I love this. "She" is so frustrated, and pressured I could've read it n her bleak face, when she made a snide comment of the top BENEATH my jacekt. Karma IS a bitch.

Nobody was raped. Yet. But, when it's become "prohibited" for us to "look good" inside the dorms (never mind the decency code.), cause that'd arouse some hormone-ridden local (I'm not racist, it's just the way it is), and she might push any of us onto the nearest wall for a quick "forceful" makeout session.

Oh no. It isn't an issue.

Oh no. It's minor.

Islamic decent rulings? you can suck on them bitch.

Damn that witch. I hope this gets BIGGER, and the homophobics national heroes would come out and rid us of this sucky administration.

kikiro @ 2005-10-29T03:29:00

2005-10-28T23:32:20Z

my first poem in arabic. for that someone. :)

أيها القمر. سألت الهتي ماذا أفعل بهذا الحلم، لقد سئمت الأحلام

أيها القمر، أيها السيد العظيم. لماذا أبت الأرض أن تحمل أعبائي، كما فعلت قبلا

أيها القمر. ماذا أفعل بشغفي؟ ماذا أفعل بهذه الأوهام الحميمة؟

أيها القمر. هلا أخبرته أني في عالمه كالهائمة بلا دليل؟

أيها القمر. أيها الحزين. هلا أخبرته أن البكاء كان قد فارق ليلي؟

أيها القمر. لماذا أبيت أن تجيب خواطري؟

أيها القمر، لا ترحل عن سمائي بعد

فهلا أخبرته أنني كالمجنونة في نهار بلا ضوء

أيها القمر، ماذا أفعل بغد لا نهاية له،

سوى بين آلهة أضاعت الأحلام

أيها القمر، لا ترحل عن سمائي بعد

فهلا أخبرته أنني كالمجنونة في عشق كلمات خطتها الأحزان في عينيه

أيها القمر، ماذا أفعل بغد لا نهاية له،

سوى بين آلهة أضاعت الأحلام

kikiro @ 2005-10-16T02:06:00

2005-10-15T22:12:08Z

Within your dreams, I found my faith.
Lush love in dark holes.
Let's be strangers in this world.
For love's left its dead core.

The Black Month.

2005-10-11T02:19:24Z

Ramadan, religion, righteous - R-words. Is this a spiritual month or is it the national cloak-wearing month? Almost all girls on campus (hijabi's and non-hijabi's in some cases) are wearing the abaya this month. As if a girl who's in head-cover, a fairly decent outfit isn't religiously adequate? Give me a break! I know it's a matter of choice, but seriously what sort of hypocrisy is this? However, during other months it's acceptable to walk around in a pair of low-rise jeans and a perfectly fitted short-sleeved tshirt.

Pitiful.

Following the same old, trite pattern of brainwash. Wake up, girls. WAKE UP!

And let's assume, you want to wear the abaya, because it does give you sense of decency and "spirituality" - ever wondered why it has to be black? (don't get me wrong, black is my favorite color) - but naturally, black here symbolizes restraint/control - whilst, the white (which is what men in this area of the world wear, traditionally) is a 'superior' color in a sense, it represents ascendancy. Ofcourse black and white are also opposites, and they do represent a number of moralistic opposites, bad/good, devil/angel, impure/pure...etc.

So, someone tell me, why do women insist on being victimized rather than try to change such a volatile mental/social/psychological/physical/egotistical state?

Ramadan kareem. Remember, it's what in your heart that matters - mini-skirted or burqua-fied.

kikiro @ 2005-09-30T18:34:00

2005-09-30T14:50:14Z

The internet is a scary place.

So scary - especially when you have my kind of issues. Not confidence, but bitterness, or what do thay call it? Envy.

If I could ask for one thing this exact moment, it'd be a visit to a hypnosis therapist.

When you feel like yesterday's news...

Dammit.

Thank you.

2005-09-22T20:22:42Z

"She drenched her destined soul within a mile of rags and bags. He exhaled into her life somewhere in between. They crossed paths as the sun rose. Different shades of wind unified their thoughts. A whole piece of dark nights created a line to cross. A bridge to pass. Facing isolated dances, she walked away, her day has ceased.

He inhaled five waves of tired emotions. He stood still. Defining a decade of distance, they crashed. Lifetimes, in outrageous packages, spilled.

Broken bones inside grains of golden sand."

College started, I'm content for once - Or maybe things are moving a bit too fast for me, I'm losing track and engaging myself in illusions. But I don't mind it, it's beautiful, it's comforting.

:)

Oblique

2005-08-19T04:42:52Z

Drained masters of justifications, trapped.
Cubicle of carbonated air, poisoned.

Descending up an emotion - holler.

Drifting away, you say - whitened thoughts.
Poor souls, pure interiors - what a joke.

Gods, godesses - in thin air.

Beneath an earth of worry - smiling.
Oh, oh, oh!
An elixir of wisdom, a reason to lie.

Engraved stones - silly hearts.

Grow five muscles, for the
Ugly fascists, please. Please.

Drown her senses - a hundred diamonds.

kikiro @ 2005-08-14T02:02:00

2005-08-13T23:03:07Z

1. Reply with your name and I will write something random about you.
2. I will then tell you what song/movie reminds me of you.
3. I will pick a flavor of jello to wrestle with you in.
4. I will say something that only makes sense to you and me.
5. I will tell you my first memory of you.
6. I will tell you what animal you remind me of.
7. I'll then ask you something that I've always wondered about you.
8. If I do this for you, you must post this on your LJ.

kikiro @ 2005-08-13T04:01:00

2005-08-13T01:38:54Z

I'm sitting here, two minutes past four in the morning, listening to some tracks by the local rock band I'm supposed to interview for my documentary (I just noticed I never really wrote about that) - and I am starting to feel sick in my stomache, (well I oughta say it here, 'cause I'm not going to say it to that creep in his face). I mean I don't want to sound mean, it's their third album, and they are pure crap! The playing isn't bad, but isn't the least bit interesting, and the lyrics are just...oh and the vocalist has a funny accent. I mean he should start singing in Arabic. And I have to listen to this crap, 'cause I have to act like I know what I'm talking about, no? And plus, they say their sound is similar to "seattle's 90's grunge", and the creep's trying to sound like Cobain, but the poor thing can't even attempt to scream, well I can't blame him cause he is trying not to mess up his pronounciation of "loser". Passion is nowhere to be found, just sheer imitation - the worst of kinds.

Well maybe if he (lead) continues to amaze "the scene" with his utter brilliance (and gets credit for that), he'll quit going topless on webcam. Meh.

Okay, post-midnight musical review/rant is over.

Anyhow, is it really that impossible to type a list of names in an instant messege? Or are people actually picking up on my vague tendencies? Ahh.

And the psycho ghosts hover around to make sure,

you're sane.

making two thin lines of

nothing.

I'm thinking about asking for permission to start a club next term (if I can actually gather enough support), eventhough I'm 74% positive, I'll be turned down. But what's the harm in adding one more not very realistic thought to my long list? It's a habit (allright).

Identity Krysis.

2005-08-10T03:13:28Z

What is an identity? What exatly is belonging? This is a huge world, it's a vast life - a game of cards, some lose, some win. I've been born in this desert, and its quick sand refused to suck me in.

Born in Saudi Arabia, it should normally feel like home - and deep inside it does, but on the outside? It's mind-numbing - Where does my real country fall in this trite equation? It should be a basic element, no? It isn't. And it's a subtle emotion, but it tears me apart.

Do I belong to a community where almost everywhere is a private club, and I need my last name to verify who I am? I'll never be accepted, whether I want it or not, I just have to know that it's the harsh truth. I'll never be accepted in the only place I deem 'home'. When I'm back to where I should consider home, all I feel is rejection, because I'll always be the 'rich spoiled unaware distant girl from saudi arabia'.

I don't even know the tune of my country's national anthem - not that it matters ofcourse.

It's tiring. I don't spend my days suffering over this, ofcourse, but it's there.

kikiro @ 2005-08-05T07:32:00

2005-08-04T05:10:57Z

I seriously need to get out of the house, just to breathe a little. Not much is going on, my father was supposed to go to Sudan (he hasn't been there for about 16 years), and now with this whole mayhem happening in the capital, he delayed his trip. I was looking forward to that, ehe.

So between trying to find the time to work on the the long-delayed-pointless documentary (and let me assure you, time is one thing I have loads of), contemplating the imperfections of my fucking being, reconsidering my "passions" and "talents" and whatever else I fucking convinced myself of having and rotting in deadly boredom (and heat) with no actual friend contact - I think I much rather be at the dorms now. Right now.

I wasn't even planning to write about this, but I guess I just want to fill up the page. He doesn't fucking deserve to be written about anyway, but I'll cling to that situation with whatever disappearing amount of self-respect (I still have), and why do I want to do that? Why is a question that irritates me when I can't fulfill it with a decent answer.

...that's in Bharain.

Yes, I'm lame. And so are you.

kikiro @ 2005-07-26T09:29:00

2005-07-26T06:36:04Z

{the lame shit I get from Afnan's journal...}

The Rules

1. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview Me."
2. I will respond by asking you five questions. I get to pick the questions.
3. You will update your LJ with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the post.
5. When others asking to be interviewed comment, you will ask them 5 questions.

Okay,
now4ever asked me these questions. Let me answer them, errr:

1. You like Japanese food?
...especially the posinous kind.

2. When will that story be finished?
when I finish it. I have no date set yet, but working on it - I really am.

3. So are you switching majors or what?
nope, I realized learning all about Java is my long life dream.

4. Why don't you ever pick up when I call?
'cause it always says 'no number'.

5. Can you swim?
among other things.

</span>

kikiro @ 2005-07-10T23:40:00

2005-07-10T21:13:14Z

In the last couple of weeks (days, whatever it is, time holds no sense to me right now), my mom implied that I was gay and my dad called me a useless hippie.

At least they're expressing themselves. Y'know.

Eventhough I made-up with my friends, something is still missing - They don't matter to me as much as they did, but if that was true, why did I reach out first? Maybe to convince myself that I have control over at least on aspect of my life.

I don't like this comfortable passiveness that has seeped through my body. But it's okay. I'm content with the insomnia, the hollowness, the half-read book and the lame phonecalls.